I think it’s dangerous for people to read my blog. my writings can be very triggering.
When such feeling rises up, all i want and crave for is someone. someone who understands or at least listens and give me soothing calm by just being there with me. when times like this comes, all i want is to have a life like in because this is my first life. the quiet and soothing and content life with someone who naturally has calming effect on you.
When “the melancholy” comes and yanks me inside it, i can see my imagined future–which was very ideal and content–suddenly looks very bleak, like the time when you’re about to faint. suddenly, i see myself alone and lonely and old with no one beside me or someone to call. even when no such vision comes, my chest feels like it’s about to collapse from some unidentifiable weight pressing down on it.
I call this “the melancholy” feeling. when this feeling wraps my head around, it feels as if my whole life is a scene from some kind of sad music video with the blue ambient throughout the video and the stories unravel very very slowly like in 5 cm per second, and i’m a spectator watching all my life unfolds in front of me as if i’m watching youtube or something. the video i watch is like every other tragedy movies, makes you sad and down and wanna crawl into bed and forget that you have ever watched so sad a movie, except that i can’t make my brain forget and just stop and close the video, because it’s life, i can’t stop its flow without ending my life along with it.
I can manage.
though i am not inclined to share my inner thoughts and feelings because i dont wanna be seen as a sad lump of meat and nerves, incapable of doing anything, and seen as an invalid all the time, confiding in someone i thought as someone who knows me best and saying i havent been good and something is wrong with me and having that one person just nonchalantly says “ok, i hope you get better real soon” without actively being involved in trying to help me through it or even ask me what is happening, is just beyond discouraging.
it took my every ounce of courage and energy to hold back my embarrassment and insecurity to tell you this and yet–
like in physics, momentum equals mass times velocity. since i cant change the mass of this feeling im carrying, i am putting a brake on how fast this fall goes.
this deliberate, self-inflicted loneliness is my coping mechanism. or rather, a sure way to make my down-fall a little less abrupt and a little less shattering. though it would still lead to the same inevitable end. im stalling it.
this is stifling but if i let them see even the smallest glimpse of who i truly am, i’d choke to death
essentially, i isolate myself because i dont want people to see me like this.