Maybe it is not her that I hate.
Maybe it is the picture of my old self in her.
Maybe it is not her that I hate.
Maybe it is the picture of my old self in her.
The mirror is trying to get closer.
Dang! I just realized how my blog is full of my dark and lame rants. B..bu..but darkness and lameness are my most frequents visitors lately. Ugh, I don’t like looking lame and dark and melancholic BUT I CAN’T HELP IT.*crying emoji*
It’s time to change my description to “Journal of The Dark and Lame Life of Mine”. It’s more fitting.
What do you think if I change it?
The thoughts that came to my mind have been so lame lately that my heart has been set aflame and burning continuously.
I keep on thinking of how unsatisfying my life is.
I envy my friends for success they acquire.
I am jealous of what happy life and all the friendships they have.
This thought is so lame and I hate it.
I always think I will be okay without many good friends around me if I can just be successful and genius and going places because of my achievements.
I realize, I am not genius, not successful, not going places. And friendships? What is friendship?–I don’t know. So I am not okay. It broke me every time I see my friends’ posts on my feed of their life that I always dream of in my sleep and in my every waking moments.
It hurts and it’s lame.
I know if I want to change the current me and achieve what I want to achieve, I need to do something and keep my mind on it and run towards it. I know, everybody always tell me that, I always tell myself that.
I just–I don’t know what it is that I want to do. I don’t know what I can do.
I am lame, I know.
I am burned up by the flame I myself ignite.
To dissemble your feeling, to control your face, to do what everyone else was doing, was an instinctive reaction.
From 1984 by George Orwell
It is almost three months since I started college. When I was still a high schooler, a lot of people said that college life is really different than high school in a way that it is more challenging and stressful than high school. They said high school’s stress is nothing compared to college’s. They said there will be a lot of nights when you cannot get even a wink of sleep and coffee is gonna be your best-est friend. The professors, they said, are not gonna be concerned about you at all. They made college sound like a warrior training facility with killer instructors. I was really anxious of what college would be like then. But for me so far, college hasn’t been as people described. All the times when most of my seniors said college is hard and different from high school was a total bulls-hit for me. Meh.
In this three months I can still get at least 4 hours of sleep–not an all-nighter, I would say, and it rarely happens. The professors have been very understanding and concerned of their students. The amount of tasks are almost always enormous but I feel like getting tasks done in college is less a torture than in high school, so I can get tasks done on time. In high school, there were a lot of subjects I really hate because of how unrelated they were to the major I was applying for. I think studying and finishing homeworks are now more bearable because I like what I am doing. Every subjects are closely related to one another, and understanding one particular subject can actually help you with another subject. When I study biology, I get just how reliant the processes inside the body on chemical reactions, I finally understand where the chemistry equations come from from mathematics, from physics I finally get how and why matters can change shapes. Everything is connected.
I think the reason why a lot of people tend to dramatize the harshness of college life is because they just want to appear stronger and more superior than their juniors. Every time some high schoolers rant on social media of how exhausted they were because of school, a lot of college students would bombard them with comments like ‘high school is nothing’, ‘you are damn weak. just wait until you enter college, you’d literally die’, ‘damn these crybaby high schoolers nowadays’, etc etc. I think it is just in our human genes to want to appear superior compared to others or to feel like our generation is far more superior and better than the younger generation. Just like how the elders always says ‘this generation is so blah blah blah’, this way of thinking translates to befouling people in just any way, including calling others weaker, making light of other people’s suffering, play the-more-tortured-one game, etc etc.
I think this phenomena sucks. I hope people will stop this whole generation and superiority war because it’s like a coin, it’s point-less (play on words intended). Telling the truth without dramatizing is the best way we can help our juniors imagine what college would be like. Though I cannot say much now because I am still a freshman in college so I might be wrong. But I hope I am not wrong so I don’t have to delete this post in the future.
It’s been raining all day here since morning. I like rain, but not too much. I think the sound of rain drops hitting on roofs and roads and any other objects are kind of cool and addictive in various ways. I also like the rainy weather when the air gets so stuffy with cold air and the atmosphere feels so serene and subtle in someways, I like that. On this and any other weekend rainy day though, I always starve.
I feel that on rainy days, my craving for food and hunger seems more magnified than on any other weather. The problem though, on rainy days too, I feel the comfort of my room is more alluring than going out to buy food and get wet. I also hate getting water splashed on my clothes which means more laundry to do AND I hate wet roads because roads tend to look more dirty in rain.
Delivery is sure the easiest way to get food but I rarely have enough cash on me and the nearest cash machine is almost 8 minutes walking distance away. With just 47 cents on my pocket, I wonder what can I get delivered to my room. I think I’ll just survive on this milk biscuits I brought from home and a lot of water and hold the hunger till morning. I hope the rain stop soon.
Alright, enough ranting, continue studying!
Years ago, I swore to myself that I would never believe in anything easily no matter who states it or what it is. Believing has, since then, been banned in my life.
I thought it was a great idea to build up a defence wall to not be fooled again.
I thought it really was brilliant.
I think, it is stupid.
No lectures have ever been fully absorbed into my mind, I believe in almost nothing from what the lecturers say unless I can validate it. It is hard to double-check when you are a lazy-assed kind of person.
It is not hard to ban something from your life. What’s hard is to take the consecuences of banning something and filling up the hole left by the-banned-thing.
How can I do that? How can I un-ban this belief of not believing?
There’s this one song that has been playing on repeat on my mind, it is Bandaged by Adhitia Sofyan. Strangely, I found this song on one of my “dark days” and a perfect fit at that. It’s as if my inner thoughts are pictured perfectly by the song. Not the lyrics, but the overall mood of the song.
These past few weeks had been very busy that I forgot to take care of myself. I got so caught up with all the all-nighters, tasks, tests, that I forgot my inner most need, that is, to spare some time for me and me only, to think for my own self, not anyone else. It got so piled up that now I cannot even open my mouth or put a fake smile on my face. It just got so tiring.
Now, another added unnecessary problem I unconsciously made, pressure from my landlady, and may other problems I can’t even recall have pushed me to an edge of my limit. I want to run away for a moment and regain my comfort.
Give me time. Give me space. Give me solitude.
Give me myself back.
Or I might go to the bridge up the hill.