All posts by p

About p

A blog dedicated to contain my useless, overly-negative, and sometimes overly-creative mind that not everybody in the real world can take.

September 21, 2017

For once, I want to be the one who leaves.

So please, come back once again

and let me have it,

the chance to leave you alone

the way you’ve done to me

over and over again.

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Youth and Opportunities

Just finished watching Yuri on Ice. I am totally hooked and shook by just how incredible the story, the beauty of figure skating, the music, basically every aspects in this phenomenal anime. As per usual, I followed though with this amazement and started looking for every single youtube video about Yuri on Ice. On one video, I found that people started taking ice skating lessons because they got inspired from YOI and some even take piano lessons to be able to play the Yuri on Ice music.

To be completely honest, I am envious and jealous and kind of desperate to see that some people got to have the chance to try out these new and exciting activities. I was jealous because at my age, I don’t think it is possible to start learning a completely new thing and excel on it. With this, I also came to realization of how wasted my life has been up until this moment. It makes me realize of just how much chances and possibilities I have thrown aside that might never come across my path anymore. What makes me feel even more desperate is that I knew I had the potential back then, yet I ran away and took the opportunity to try out things for granted. I loved taekwondo back then. My coach used to tell me I’d make it big if I train more, but I gave up midway. I wanted to try dancing but I was afraid to tell my mom, so I looked away. I took a piano lesson, I ditched it midway because I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore from my family (I thought y family would be kinda against it so I kept it a secret). I joined aikido and stopped midway too because I didn’t like the atmosphere in my dojo. I took guitar lessons, stopped midway too, because I didn’t like to admit I was not made for playing guitar. There are tons more of this endless cycle of starting-and-ditching activities in my whole life that I could literally go on for days talking about it. I now realize it was a grave mistake I made in life and I really made a lot of excuses because some things were just not convenient for me. I was and am just a loser. God only knows how much regret and bitterness I am feeling now.

This is just how pathetic I am and I don’t think I can shake off this feeling of regret for a long time to come. Those chances might never come again because I think my chances and opportunities have shrunk because I am now not so young anymore. People always says “Age doesn’t really matter as long as you have the drive.” . But you know what? I think age does matter. There are so many things you cannot do once you’ve aged. Your body and your health changes over time, sometimes for the worse, making learning new things somewhat arduous to even think about.

Now that I am right at the door to adulthood, I am still hanging on the edge of this ditching cliff. Two to three things in my hand that I want to ditch. But now I know the harsh price to pay for not giving yourself a chance in trying and not giving up, I know that time cannot be rolled back, chances and opportunities might not come back and give you one more chance to try, and that how time and youth is so precious once you realize what you had wasted. I want to excel in what I am doing now and I still have many things I want to try, languages I want to speak, instrument I want to play, there is a whole new, unknown horizon that I want to explore. I want to give more to myself, chances, pride, skills, whatever it is that could make me feel the bliss of youth and life. I want to do it all before the chance slip by again and I can no longer do what I want to do.

Now I am making up my mind to try and give my hardest to the things I can still do while I am still at this age, because once I grow even older, this life might never come back again and I would hate myself for not living and giving my life a chance while I am still in my youth. I hope when I become old and grey, I would look back and think “thank god I made the choice to try” and “I had a well-lived life”.

A Poor Student’s Rant on Thai Tea and Money

I just finished making and drinking a really full cup of delicious and refreshing thai iced tea some minutes ago because I had been craving it for about a week and buying it seemed like an irrational choice to spend about $2-3 for a cup of tea+bunch of crushed ice while you can make it at home for like $5-6 and you can literally make like 200 servings of thai iced tea! Really though, the package of 400 grams of tea says you need 2 grams of tea per one cup of water, you know, 400 : 2 = 200 right? Can’t be wrong about it. Think of how much money you can save up per year by making the tea yourself. I actually made a rough calculation just then but I realize the calculation wass wrong and I am not that good at math so do your own calculation if you will. BUT SERIOUSLY I THINK THE NUMBER WILL BE MIND-BLOWING.

It’s pretty insane how cheaper it actually is to make food or beverages yourself rather than buying it from stalls or restaurants. And sometimes the taste of your own homemade foods are not that much different from those served in restaurants. But really though, whether you want to make or buy your food, it’s all your choice. After all, this is just a rant and confusion and amazement written by one (relatively) poor student here who always tries to save up money.

Or I should just open up a thai tea store myself.

Yea good idea.

One day though, one day.

Boredom

Is this what most people would call boredom? Is boredom the kind of feeling when you have nothing to do and don’t feel like doing anything but you feel the need to do something but you don’t know what to do so you tried to do everything but then end up doing nothing and your mind kinda scatter around and you think about unnecessary stuffs that make you feel depressed or feel worse about yourself?

Tell me, is this boredom? Or is it something else?

I think I am getting more and more broken each and every day. Lately the thoughts of “nothingness” that fills my entire life keep on reoccurring everytime my mind goes adrifts. I hate to think that all these 2 decades of my life, I mostly don’t feel living at all. So I turned to look for things to keep my mind occupied. I decided to flee to the wonderland in which everything that I have never and can never be, lives. It is toxic. But the things I am running from is just as toxic. I am basically running from toxic with help from another but similar kind of toxic. Without realizing, my life has become an endless cycle of toxicity after toxicity. I don’t know if I should be grateful or not for the fact that alcohol is not readily available here.
I hate the fact that no matter what I try to do, I can’t seem to shake these thoughts away like it’s sticking so strongly on to my body like a permanent tattoo on my skin. I’ve tried to do many things that most people had adviced me to do, I went out for a walk, I join sport clubs, I tried to find and do my hobbies, you name it, I’ve done it all, I think. Nothing has changed. I tried to talk to people, and no one seemed to care enough or simply didn’t understand what I was saying. I don’t know. Maybe they were having their own problems, I don’t know. So I am trying to write it all out here, hoping this thought will go away along with my pent up emotions overflowing from my thumbs as I am typing this on my phone.
I hope this will help me.