All posts by p

About p

A blog dedicated to contain my useless, overly-negative, and sometimes overly-creative mind that not everybody in the real world can take.

though i am not inclined to share my inner thoughts and feelings because i dont wanna be seen as a sad lump of meat and nerves, incapable of doing anything, and seen as an invalid all the time, confiding in someone i thought as someone who knows me best and saying i havent been good and something is wrong with me and having that one person just nonchalantly says “ok, i hope you get better real soon” without  actively being involved in trying to help me through it or even ask me what is happening, is just beyond discouraging.

it took my every ounce of courage and energy to hold back my  embarrassment and insecurity to tell you this and yet–


like in physics, momentum equals mass and velocity. since i cant change the mass of this feeling im carrying, i am putting a brake on how fast this fall goes.

this deliberate, self-inflicted loneliness is my coping mechanism. or rather, a sure way to make my down-fall a little less abrupt and a little less shattering. though it would still lead to the same inevitable end. im stalling it.

again and again I find myself crying for unknown reasons. by unknown i mean not-known reasons not that the reasons dont exist. my feelings are just too tangled up that i cant really pinpoint my trigger.

i think some of it is me being a recluse and not wanting to interact with people that makes me feel like a bullied student. some other, really are unidentified, reasons that i cant sense where the source is.

im also scared. im scared of multitude of things. im scared of ending up as a failure. im scared of being alone and lonely. im scared of not having anyone to celebrate my graduation aand finishiing my research. im scared of being not liked. im scared of being hted. im scared of losing people. im scared of people thinking im weird. im scared of being judged.

i dont wanna talk to people because i know when i open my mouth, ill say something stupid or awkward or rude or boring or things that makes people see me as me, awkward. and make me be more invisible than i already am.

i want to be accepted by people but i know  the time will never come. i cant expect anybody new to enter my life and then stay and accept me and be with me because i cant even keep my closest and people ive known longest. even they slipped off my hands. im scared

if i were to scream, who would bother to listen and ask if somethings wrong?

if i were to tell you whats going inside my head, would you understand?

if i were to tell you im not okay and im scared, would you be there for me?

if i were to tell you im lonely, would you come rushing to me and offer me your shoulder as a shelter and a place to cry on?

who can help me get out of this dreading feeling?

Daily Prompt: Torn

I said I understand. I told myself I get that this is for the best. That there’s never gonna be a happy future for you and I. Best-friends turn lovers don’t always work, just like us. So when we told each other that we’re still going to be there for each other, I understood and fully believed it.

Seeing you happy without me around hurts me.

Feeling the empty space your warm body left beside me and your hand on my hand, your warm eyes on me that now turned cold. I am wrecked.

Sharing worries and end-of-day conversations are never gonna be the same anymore. Lengthy answers turns to six seconds words, I now call it six seconds rule.

Though we agreed it would all be the same, it is not. Knowing that I’ve lost my best-friend that I know I can never replace, I am torn.

via Daily Prompt: Torn

Youth and Opportunities

Just finished watching Yuri on Ice. I am totally hooked and shook by just how incredible the story, the beauty of figure skating, the music, basically every aspects in this phenomenal anime. As per usual, I followed though with this amazement and started looking for every single youtube video about Yuri on Ice. On one video, I found that people started taking ice skating lessons because they got inspired from YOI and some even take piano lessons to be able to play the Yuri on Ice music.

To be completely honest, I am envious and jealous and kind of desperate to see that some people got to have the chance to try out these new and exciting activities. I was jealous because at my age, I don’t think it is possible to start learning a completely new thing and excel on it. With this, I also came to realization of how wasted my life has been up until this moment. It makes me realize of just how much chances and possibilities I have thrown aside that might never come across my path anymore. What makes me feel even more desperate is that I knew I had the potential back then, yet I ran away and took the opportunity to try out things for granted. I loved taekwondo back then. My coach used to tell me I’d make it big if I train more, but I gave up midway. I wanted to try dancing but I was afraid to tell my mom, so I looked away. I took a piano lesson, I ditched it midway because I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore from my family (I thought y family would be kinda against it so I kept it a secret). I joined aikido and stopped midway too because I didn’t like the atmosphere in my dojo. I took guitar lessons, stopped midway too, because I didn’t like to admit I was not made for playing guitar. There are tons more of this endless cycle of starting-and-ditching activities in my whole life that I could literally go on for days talking about it. I now realize it was a grave mistake I made in life and I really made a lot of excuses because some things were just not convenient for me. I was and am just a loser. God only knows how much regret and bitterness I am feeling now.

This is just how pathetic I am and I don’t think I can shake off this feeling of regret for a long time to come. Those chances might never come again because I think my chances and opportunities have shrunk because I am now not so young anymore. People always says “Age doesn’t really matter as long as you have the drive.” . But you know what? I think age does matter. There are so many things you cannot do once you’ve aged. Your body and your health changes over time, sometimes for the worse, making learning new things somewhat arduous to even think about.

Now that I am right at the door to adulthood, I am still hanging on the edge of this ditching cliff. Two to three things in my hand that I want to ditch. But now I know the harsh price to pay for not giving yourself a chance in trying and not giving up, I know that time cannot be rolled back, chances and opportunities might not come back and give you one more chance to try, and that how time and youth is so precious once you realize what you had wasted. I want to excel in what I am doing now and I still have many things I want to try, languages I want to speak, instrument I want to play, there is a whole new, unknown horizon that I want to explore. I want to give more to myself, chances, pride, skills, whatever it is that could make me feel the bliss of youth and life. I want to do it all before the chance slip by again and I can no longer do what I want to do.

Now I am making up my mind to try and give my hardest to the things I can still do while I am still at this age, because once I grow even older, this life might never come back again and I would hate myself for not living and giving my life a chance while I am still in my youth. I hope when I become old and grey, I would look back and think “thank god I made the choice to try” and “I had a well-lived life”.