again and again I find myself crying for unknown reasons. by unknown i mean not-known reasons not that the reasons dont exist. my feelings are just too tangled up that i cant really pinpoint my trigger.
i think some of it is me being a recluse and not wanting to interact with people that makes me feel like a bullied student. some other, really are unidentified, reasons that i cant sense where the source is.
im also scared. im scared of multitude of things. im scared of ending up as a failure. im scared of being alone and lonely. im scared of not having anyone to celebrate my graduation aand finishiing my research. im scared of being not liked. im scared of being hted. im scared of losing people. im scared of people thinking im weird. im scared of being judged.
i dont wanna talk to people because i know when i open my mouth, ill say something stupid or awkward or rude or boring or things that makes people see me as me, awkward. and make me be more invisible than i already am.
i want to be accepted by people but i know the time will never come. i cant expect anybody new to enter my life and then stay and accept me and be with me because i cant even keep my closest and people ive known longest. even they slipped off my hands. im scared
if i were to scream, who would bother to listen and ask if somethings wrong?
if i were to tell you whats going inside my head, would you understand?
if i were to tell you im not okay and im scared, would you be there for me?
if i were to tell you im lonely, would you come rushing to me and offer me your shoulder as a shelter and a place to cry on?
who can help me get out of this dreading feeling?